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Publication Date: 1st April, 2026 (Kal. Apr. MMDCCLXXIX a.u.c.)

The Shallot: Hudson Common Sense’s Satirical Dispatch from the Frontlines of Local Absurdity

From Betsy Ross flags to Bengalis, is Hudson finally winning the battle to protect New York’s most endangered demographic minority; conservatives?

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The Briefing Box:

HUDSON, N.Y. — As the city prepares for the famous June LGBTQIA+ history celebrations, municipal leaders in Hudson have turned their attention to another vulnerable population. In a unanimous, sweeping resolution passed Tuesday night, the City Council officially declared April as "Conservative+ Coming Out Month.”

"For too long, individuals in our community have been forced to live in the shadows," Mayor Johannes Ferry read from the freshly minted proclamation. The document noted that just as LGB individuals, and later LGBQIA+ persons, faced relentless attacks and were first driven out of town, and then retook the town by force, the city must remain vigilant against the “systemic marginalization” of modern conservatives.

Using language copied directly from decades of person of color (POC) and civil rights advocacy, the proclamation recognized the "very real fear of being outed, Welcome Stranger Taxed, and doxxed, for practicing a non-conforming heterodox way of life." The Council explicitly condemned the social ostracization of those harboring crazy, radical views such as monogamy and marriage, the unorthodox choice of having babies, when possible, mostly within marriage, advocating for just enough taxes to protect life, liberty, and property, and the increasingly stigmatized sin of open patriotism.

Raising the Benign Betsy Ross Flag?

To mark the beginning of the month, the city planned a ceremonial flag-raising to boost visibility. However, deciding on a flag and procurement proved challenging. According to City Hall sources, the Harbour Master was dispatched to local boutiques to purchase the official Conservative PLUS pride flag.

But procurement of an official Conservative+ pride flag stalled on Tuesday when the committee entered its fourth hour debating the Gold Standard and inflation, and could not decide between the GOP Flag, the Appeal to Heaven, an Elephant Flag, the Gadsen Flag, the “Come and Take It” flag, or just the American flag. Citing a municipal sundown deadline, the progressive Harbour Master independently decided to hoist a Betsy Ross flag that he purchased from an antique’s dealer across the street from City Hall.

County Republicans initially rejoiced, stating they might support a Hudson resident for office next election, but would first need to check their insurance requirements with a committee member.

The “Coming out” label is presumably a reference to the fact that almost 500 City of Hudson residents voted for the conservative candidate in the most recent President election, but not a single one attends general City of Hudson public and Common Council meetings or identifies as a conservative, except one gutsy patriot with a bright car in an undisclosed side-walk location in the 1st Ward. Where are the rest?

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The flag gesture, however, did not go uncontested… by conservatives mostly, and was uncharacteristically ignored by the Albany-Bliss-Catskill Drama Coalition (A.B.C.D Coalition™), previously known as the Hudson Catskill Housing Coalition, previously known as the Staley B. Keith Social Justice Center (SBK), and previously known as the Hudson African American Leadership Alliance (HAALA), who was busy filing their 6th whistleblower report about a parking lot fender bender and alleged an elaborate police cover-up with the increasingly exasperated Attorney General’s Office.

County Republican leadership formally objected, arguing that public buildings ought to display only the American flag, and perhaps a smaller and official County or City flag, like the DMV does.

"Public buildings should be reserved only for the American flag and maybe the local official flag, like the city or county,"

Matt Leswell stated. The conservatives, in a move consistent with their stated principles, declined to impose their flag on others’ or public property, choosing instead to put it on every privately owned red barn between Germantown and Hudson.

It was left to the head of the local City of Hudson Democratic Party Committee to cut through the impasse so everyone could get to the oyster happy hour at W.M. Farmer and Daughter. In a brisk behind the scenes power move, he overruled the objection. The unusually polite and well read political lifer, who loves walking in the Oakland Park, recently annexed by the Youth Center with a matching grant, swiftly overruled the objection but lost his characteristically No Drama Obama composure; “You are getting a month,” he stated in an email. “The gays got a month, the latinx got a month, the Americans are getting a month. Diversity is mandatory and will be celebrated!”

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Not everyone was enthusiastic. One Hudson Business Alliance (HBA) leader, visibly pained and speaking on the condition of anonymity, suggested a diplomatic compromise: could the city simply move the whole thing to Flag Day? When pressed on why Flag Day specifically, the leader grew puzzled. "What is Flag Day anyway?" he admitted. Nobody in the room knew either. The meeting adjourned.

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The Committee's paralysis was not without local context. Hudson, it turns out, is no stranger to flag controversies. A proud AARP chapter leader from Mount Merino, who was depressed when HuffPo closed down until he found IMBY, was overheard in a coffee shop arguing the Betsy Ross flag is "white supremacist” adjacent, saying “Why did you choose to fly THAT flag at THIS time?” But he then conceded that the “Conservative+” month is helpful; “Now I no longer have to look for people fluent in Roman numerals, driving diesel cars, or flying Northern European flags as subtle giveaways of white supremacist ideology.”

Local law enforcement has thrown its full, unwavering support behind the initiative, emphasizing community outreach, and hoping local vehicular vandalism and fishy business with cars will decrease. "At the end of the day, you know, it is really about the kids," said the ever dapper spokesperson for the Hudson Police Department, during a press briefing. "We want a young **Mennonite,** Quaker or **Straussian Conservative agnostic** girl to know that she too belongs in this town just like anyone else. We want her to know it is entirely okay to openly like a female Barbie doll. It is okay to become a NASA scientist, and it is equally okay to want to be a stay-at-home mom. Or both!"

Not far from the press briefing, the new visibility campaign was already sparking important intergenerational dialogues. Standing on the sidewalk beneath the freshly draped City Hall window, eight-year-old Leonardo tugged at his grandmother’s sleeve, his brow furrowed in confusion: "Grandma," the boy asked, pointing up at the balcony. "During LGBTQIA+ Pride Month, the flag has all those bright rainbow stripes and triangles. And for Earth Month, the flags are so colorful and full of nature. Why does the Conservative+ flag just look like the American flag?"

His grandmother paused, adjusting her clearly not sustainable Stewart’s Shop bag over her shoulder, and gazed up at the red, white, and blue canvas flapping against the City’s Beaux-Arts marble projecting facade. She offered a wry, knowing smile.

"Well, sweetheart," she murmured softly, "All those other groups needed to invent beautiful, brand new flags so they could feel special, and like they belong in the house."

"Oh," the boy said, nodding thoughtfully as he studied the thirteen circular stars on the flag draped over City Hall. "So these folks just used the one that came with the house?"

"Exactly, my boy," she chuckled, gently ruffling his hair. "Exactly."

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Find yourself chuckling or provoked? **Read more Shallot Satire pieces here. We make fun of “some very fine people on both sides.”**

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Word on the Street

Down on Warren Street, the local sentiment seemed largely supportive, if pragmatically motivated.

"You know... it kinda makes sense," said 42-year-old resident Mark Hemlock, pausing his interview to retrieve a Trashie Blue Refuse Bag from the famously temperamental blue vending machine in front of City Hall. "Now that conservatives are the undisputed minority in the state of New York, it's only fair that they too get their own month and their own flag, isn’t it?"

“The Brooklyn antique wave was undeniably great for the tax base,” continued Hemlock, waiting outside a natural wine bar named after the estuary’s still water. ‘But the city is evolving. Right now, our infrastructure desperately requires a demographic willing to lift heavy boxes and confront off-leash labradoodles.’

He also noted the potential economic windfall of the new municipal focus. "Just think about all the new cultural window displays for things like Christmas, Easter, and what the outgoing Common Council Chair called on his radio show “White Supremacy” days," Hemlock added thoughtfully, while pondering if Winter Walk might one day be known as a Christmas Market. "If you really think about it, those holidays have a genuinely great aesthetic appeal, not to mention that they predate the republic. They massively boost consumerism in our local stores, and honestly, we need every single penny of that sales tax to pay the $20 million City of Hudson budget."

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Elephants as Endangered Species in Hudson?

(Not satire, just Hudson)

Source: NYS Board of Elections

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A new Register-Star cub reporter often confused for the Mayoral-Aide’s intern, sensing cultural controversy and hoping for a quote on identity politics that he could butcher, approached a man idling a perfectly clean 6th-generation Ford F-250 outside the cool French store. Using his best trauma-informed tone, he asked how the city could best center his lived experience and solve “Conservative+ erasure.”

The man slowly, and manually, rolled down his window, looking deeply suspicious. "Are you guys raising the parking rules again?" he asked.

When the stunned reporter, boasting a new DEI certification from Bard College, clarified that the city was offering him a designated month of visibility to celebrate Conservative history, the man sighed.

The reporter blinked, consulting his clipboard. "There isn't one."

"I don't either," the man replied, deadpan. "I don't want a Conservative Month. You know how we fix the political divide in this nation? Stop talking about it. I’m going to stop calling you a Hudson X, and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a Hudson Y. Just fill the potholes on Union Street, leave my gas stove alone, and fix the meters so they actually take quarters."

He then rolled up his window and drove off to complain about the encounter on the Columbia County Facebook group.

Intersectional Solidarity

Seeking more contrasting perspectives, the same reporter approached Faruq Alam, a prominent leader in Hudson’s beloved Bengali Muslim community, outside a local antiques store. Given the current political climate, one might anticipate strong pushback against the city's celebration of right-wing identities.

Instead, Alam was beaming. "Are you kidding? We are thrilled," Alam said, adjusting his panjabi. "Honestly, we privately view this as our month, too, and right after Eid! The Conservative+ community and the conservative immigrant community are basically the exact same demographic, we just have different dietary restrictions.”

Alam noted the deep, intersectional overlap in their lived experiences but cautioned that as a moderate and well-mannered religious community, they’d rather stay below the radar. "Look, between us, we are fighting the exact same daily battles," he whispered, leaning in.

The municipal pivot has fostered a rare sense of cross-cultural solidarity. "There is this terrible misconception that the Bengali’s don’t get along with conservative Christians, but they are in fact their biggest fans," said Democratic 3rd Ward County Supervisor Gary Jones, who is not Bengali, not Muslim, not Christian, but feels he has his finger on the pulse of both and is just very sincere:

An Unsolicited Offer of Representation, Politely Declined?

In a predictably pragmatic twist, local conservative leadership convened later in the week at a Barn Breakfast in an undisclosed location to officially decline the municipal gesture from Mayor Ferry, issuing a formal resolution to withdraw from the city's calendar. Staying true to their principles, the coalition issued a 4,000-word manifesto arguing that municipal micro-seasons are a gateway to 15-minute Cities and the confiscation of gas stoves.

“We don't need a parade,” their press release stated. 'We just want the Common Council to fill the potholes on Union Street, lower the property taxes, and stop asking us when we are finally moving to Florida. It is mean.” Despite their polite refusal, City Hall Democrats persisted, insisting that government-mandated celebration of their diversity was completely non-negotiable.

The local push has quickly caught the attention of opportunistic national organizers. "Representation matters," said a spokesperson for the National Conservative Visibility Project, a Waves Foundation-funded initiative to activate religious groups for social welfare spending. To that end, the city announced it will be in touch with the New York State film and media agency to conduct a "non-compulsory audit" of movies and television shows filmed in the Hudson Valley.

The goal is to develop a new cinematic metric inspired by the famous (and real) Bechdel Test, a well-known Hollywood measure of female representation that asks if a work features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. The new "Conservative+ Test" will demand more nuanced, multi-dimensional depictions of right-leaning individuals in media. A Hudson Bechdel Test might measure how many Hudson residents talk to each other about something other than local Hudson gossip.

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“Conservatives have been pigeonholed into reductive stereotypes,” stated an Albany-based organizer, submitting a $15,000 consulting invoice to the City Council. “We are demanding nuanced depictions of conservatives who own indoor cats.”

"They are almost exclusively portrayed as law-abiding, tax-paying, broad-shouldered, football-playing people who help grandma cross the street and text with green bubbles. It’s exhausting and reductive. We want to see them depicted as complex, flawed human beings. We are demanding rare and unseen depictions: conservative criminals, conservative fashionistas, conservative rioters, and goddamit, conservatives who own cats. Our Community™ contains multitudes."

Hudson taxpayers and residents, who are too busy or have too short an attention span to read beyond a headline, await the weekend’s Hudson Wail meme drop to explain it all.

https://www.instagram.com/thehudsonwail/

Request for Tips & Targets: We really want to write Shallot Satires about Columbia County and City of Hudson Republicans and conservatives, but they just don’t provide the content and activity, or are fewer in number than Bliss 2.0 residents, respectively.

If you have any ideas, please email [email protected]. We are equal opportunity satirists.